By Izu Osuigwe
I believe 419 started in Nigeria through the invention of nkwobi, one of the worst awful and deceitful creations, nkwobi is the precursor of Yahoo-Yahoo. No circumstances can change my opinion on this matter!
How can the big wooden bowl promise so much, yet deliver so little?
Constantly, bros constantly! It does not matter how often you change location, street or state, same result would be obtained once you are lured into the respective nkwobi joint.
Its evident, one of the mandatory subjects to be passed before one is certified a master chef in nkwobi preparation is OBT! Obtaining by alse pretence!
After a wait of 60 minutes, the waiter carrying the nkwobi, seems to be affected by the weight of the delicacy.
You wash your hand and select one kpomo, another small kpomo, then the betrayals start piling in!
First betrayal? What you took as hunks of meat were actually chunks of huge dry bones moistened with oil and little gristle attached.
2nd betrayal, what you waited for 30 to 60 minutes to get, is gone in 3 minutes. Fiam! Like trump’s election lead in Pennsylvania!
The whole thing is gone, save for the bones leering from the table and mocking your face.
3rd betrayal, the pepper! Jesus wept! Beg your pardon, your sorry arse wept! Literally!
Your mouth and lips are burning with a stinging sensation, peeling and choking your throat.
The final betrayal is the bill, you realise, the huge cost of putting yourself through this trial by pepper could have been cheaply achieved, without stepping out of your house, by declaring yourself a masochist and walking into the kitchen, seizing the pepper holder and upending the whole pepper into your mouth, at no cost or sense of being cheated!
To finally convince you of the veracity of this hypothesis have you observed? The only constant in the whole nkwobi racket, is the size of the wooden bowl!
The location and ambiance, the people serving it, the cost could be ₦1,000 or ₦10,000, it could be beside a gutter or a lounge, but the size of the wooden bowl remains , same. Haba guys, make una shine your eyes naa! Does it mean every nkwobi seller bought from that wood carver along shagamu expressway, enroute ibadan?
Or did all get same dimensions from the federal agency in charge of sizes and measures?
Thank God I decoded them far back, now if I enter a bar and the waiter comes with their trap; “Sir, we have nkowbi.”
I smirk openly in their face and retort; “naa don’t bother, you see, I am an ultra hindu vegetarian!”
If my friends comes with; “Really, since when?”
I go; ” Since the waiter mentioned they have nkwobi.”
Eneke the bird pronounced; since men had learnt to shoot without aiming, it had learnt to fly without perching!